Quiet

I’ve got lots to say, but no good way to say it.  I’m past worrying about disappointing anyone.  Like I’ve said before, you can care about people and ultimately not care if they disagree with you.  Political people need to learn this as soon as possible.

Wisdom isn’t always knowing what you should do, sometimes it’s understanding what you shouldn’t.

For instance, I’m smart enough to know I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone.  Not fair to me, not fair to them.  It’s not about being “ready”, it’s about being “true”.  I’ve got enough fake in my life without that.  I don’t want to participate in today’s dating process.  It’s just not for me, never will be.  I’d rather be alone than be with someone that doesn’t know what they want and it changes with each breath.

Knowing that doesn’t make being alone any easier. Sometimes I close my eyes for long enough while I’m awake that the last couple of years didn’t happen. You know, that moment when you get deja vu for a second and then it’s gone as quickly as it came. Redemption is as close as a heart change away.

What an absolute travesty this has been. It’s amazing how when a major piece of the puzzle goes missing, you can hardly tell what was there in the first place.

We live in a world where “How are you?” isn’t a question, it’s a greeting. I’ll never get over it. People really don’t want to know how you are, trust me.

And honestly, I’m sick of the optimists. You know, those people who nonchalantly skip into your life and say “It will all get better” without really knowing you, what you stand for or what you feel? Let’s get real. It might not be as sharp but there is no guarantee that means it’ll get better.

How many of you have heard it?  “Happiness comes from within.”

Bullshit.

People say stupid things when they’re trying to be profound. “You should smile more.”  Yeah, well maybe you should talk less?  You don’t know what I’m still going through. I’m sick of retail smiles and cliche phrases.  I’m not gonna smile just to do it.  That’s fake.  I’ve got enough fake in my life.  People befriend you with agendas nowadays, don’t you know?  The second you don’t agree on something, poof, the facade is over.

Happiness isn’t something I’m trying to find.  Consistency is.  You can be consistently anything, and I’ll be impressed.  Socially, I’m surrounded by fake.  Just float through life with no true commitment.  Nobody has any conviction anymore. “Just do whatever you feel” isn’t really gonna make things work.

Diagnose me all you want, but when I’ve given everything I have to something and it’s gone I’m not interested in doing it again. I’m not interested in this charade we all go through on the daily, either. I cannot for the life of me find a reason to persist. At this point it’s all just something to do.

I’m disconnected by fate and by choice.

I’m disconnected because it’s weird to tell people you care about them. I’m disconnected because doing nice things for others without an agenda doesn’t compute to people. I’m disconnected because everyone I’ve ever been close to has taken advantage of me.

I’m constantly being read by people that don’t speak my language.

There is no reward worth pursuing with risks like these.

So at some point you have to weigh what you really want from life, right? Well I’ve known for a few years, and now that’s out of the picture. I don’t want to 8-5 it until I’m gray (and that’s starting) unless there is a reason beyond self sufficiency.

I’d rather do it right and fail than do it wrong and tell myself I succeeded.

I don’t want to rewind, I just want something to happen. Anything, really. Until then, I’ll just be happy that I understand the silence.

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