Today marks a sad anniversary for me. It’s been 2 years since my (ex) wife told me she was falling in love with another man. The last night we slept in the same bed – though I didn’t really sleep.
I was in survival mode. I wanted to save my marriage at all costs. I knew something was up, but I never would have guessed she was ready to end what she had so recently and consistently said she was so thankful for. The hurt, for me, didn’t start until I woke up in the middle of the night the next night and checked “Find My Friends” to see her at his apartment. “Ouch.” I knew that when marriages had issues the thing we were supposed to do was turn toward each other and seek help. This was the opposite of that.
It’s likely that she complained about me a lot to her friends. I don’t think any of them hated me, but I know that none of them really respected marriage or what it really means. I know none of them knew how we were alone and how much I struggled trying to help her understand simple life concepts and responsibilities. In the same breath, I actively told her I loved her and made sure she knew that I wanted to be with her. I wish she would have shared all of the good things that we consistently shared, too. Things weren’t bad. I hear stories of couples that are still together and it boggles my mind. We were going through stuff (miscarriages and attention issues) but it was a cake walk in comparison. We treated each other well. I’m not perfect, but I can honestly say my intent was great. Her friends gave her advice like “don’t start the next relationship until you’re divorced” instead of “you should get counseling and try to work it out”.
They aren’t my kind of people.
You see, most of the people I share this round, floating rock with just don’t care about loyalty or morality. Convenience ranks higher on the list. If it’s not fun right now, dump it. Hate is a strong word and I can honestly say if you’re like this, I hate you. I’d elaborate but I might come across a little bitter. Try me.
Traditional wedding vows don’t include “as long as I’m happy.” It’s “For better or worse, until death do us part.” We both said it, but only one of us meant it. Obviously, you want to be happy in your marriage. Anyone with two cells swimming around in their brain understands that there will be lows in a relationship. Don’t get married if you can’t understand this. I went through phases in our 5 year marriage where I was definitely not thrilled with being married to her, but I stuck around and made things work. I never fell in love with someone else or considered leaving, I can tell you that!
And now, I’m not interested in anyone or anything. People call it depression, I call it reality. Pills don’t make things better, they make my perception fake and they make me not me. I don’t want to feel different if that means I’m not me. Marianne Williamson was right when she said in America we use medication too much. She’s against the “medicalization of normal human despair.” I’m not going to take a pill because I got screwed by a bunch of disloyal, short-sighted people.
I do not belong here. Everyone wants me to do things differently. I’m never going to. Time cannot pass fast enough. Let’s get on with it.